Tuesday, September 15, 2009

For science! - Olde English "800"


Remember that time I said this was for science?

Here's proof that I wasn't lying.

Yeah, that's a 40oz. bottle of Olde English 800. It's almost a $1.89 thing of beauty. Straw colored and glinting golden, coated in a fine mist of sweat as it comes ice cold from my freezer. If that's not awesomely subliminal and Freudian advertising, only God knows what is. But let's preface this a bit, shall we?

Last Friday started like any other Friday. Two hours of intensive engineering class then the absolute bliss that is a warm, sunny Friday afternoon off. A boy's mind wanders to cold beer, unfiltered Lucky Strikes, and the breeze flowing through his hair. I had two of the three, so my friends and I decided to stop at Beers of the World. BotW is a haven of all things brewed. It has row after row of craft beers from all over the world. Unfortunately and rather ironically, I found myself standing with my friends in the malt liquor aisle. Oh malt liquor. The youthful beverage of the college student and unemployed, its pretty much 6% ABV hobo piss. But its $1.89 for 40 oz (if you go pinky's up and get the expensive kind). I got this and a can of Steel Reserve. Seriously, that shit is so metal. A slate gray can and about 10% ABV, it just screams manliness. Oh, and liver failure.

So of course I had to try this shit. Any college student worth his salt has tried it. I'd never had it and damn it, I want to be worth my salt. So I bought an OE800 and a Steel Reserve. Came home, threw that behemoth of a malted beverage titan in the freezer to cool and promptly fell asleep. Weak, I know.

When I woke up, I had the savage hunger of a bear coming out of hibernation. And, what a coincidence! The only edible thing in my fridge was a box of baking soda and that 40. Oh boy, breakfast of champions. I sat down at 2am to quaff some and check my email. And am I glad that it was ice cold. It was actually pretty good. Granted, it wasn't Sammy Smith's Oatmeal Stout, but it wasn't the hobo piss I was assuming. I didn't bother pouring it into a glass but rather drank it straight from the bottle. It had this odd cat-urine like smell to begin with but the flavor was softly corn-like and Wonderbread. It was undercarbonated, probably to facilitate pouring it down your throat like industrial coolant into an overheating engine. It wasn't, honestly, terrible. Would I buy it again? Probably not. I proceeded to drink about a quarter of it and, since I hadn't eaten all day, got kinda fucked up. I'm not sure if it was the Southern Proof (which puts it at a whopping 10%) or the Northeastern proof (which is about 5.9%) but I DO know it was "Fuck me up"% ABV. I went back to bed after draining a quarter of it and the rest is sitting in my fridge, just waiting for me to coup de grace it when its least expecting it. But I'm holding out for that bastard of a Steel Reserve. He and I have to tango.

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