Sunday, May 2, 2010


I smoke.

There, I said it. I like to smoke. I smoke pipes, cigars, and the occasional Nat Sherman cigarette (mainly because I haven't found a cigarillo I like). I know that there are many people out there that don't smoke. Whatever floats your boat, baby. If you like to smoke, welcome to the club. If you don't like to smoke, then I respect that.

America is a funny place these days. With the politicians pushing for "political correctness" at all times, America at large has changed from the country it used to be 50 years ago. I won't say whether for good or bad (this is a drinking blog, not a politics blog) but there is one thing that bugs me. In America, in which such fantastic and positive movements such as the push towards racial and sex equality took place, it is still okay to discriminate. If you're fat or a smoker, you get the shit end of the stick here. It continues to amaze me that it is still perfectly fine to bash on smokers and fat people in a country so determined for complete equality.

I said that I respect people that don't smoke but this isn't completely true. In order for me to respect you, you have to respect me in return. Fuck, it goes along with a scientific law: The Law of Conservation of Mass. The law states that you cannot destroy or create matter in a chemical equation. What is put in must come out. So when I respect your decision not to smoke, the equation gets royally fucked when you decide not to respect me. See where I'm going with this?

About an hour ago I decided to have a smoke on a nice, if slightly humid night. I lit up (it was a Nat Sherman) and proceeded to smoke. I was about fifteen feet from the building with a heady wind. As it is, I'm standing in the middle of the sidewalk. I'm courteous mostly. I know that there are those that don't like the smell of smoke so I stand away from the building, unlike most people that seek refuge from the wind and precipitation. I figured 15 feet, a quarter the length of my childhood home, would be sufficient. As I smoke, I hear a chair scrape and the loud bang of a door behind me. I turn to see someone explode out of the hall and stare at me. He goes:

"Are you smoking?"

I look down at the cigarette in my hand.


He looks at me like I just killed seventeen children with a flamethrower. He venomously says:

"Look, just move? I can't stand the smell of smoke."

At this point, I'm fine with it. He seems a touch angry but whatever. Then he indignantly says:

"25 feet. 25 feet." (heavy annunciation on the 25) "It's just rude. Can't believe you people..."

You people? What the hell? First off, did he just generalize every smoker? Second, did he just generalize every smoker as an inconsiderate ass? So I move. I'm almost flabbergasted at how inconsiderate he was. I could hear him storm out of his room to berate me. Make no mistake folks, this was not a nonchalant chat we had. He dressed me down like R. Lee Ermey in Full Metal Jacket.

At this point, I'm standing in the middle of the lawn on top of a drainage grate. I'm still smoking, as calm as I can be. I'm looking through the door and I see him again, spying. He originally went back into the building and turned left. I then see him come by and stare at me like I'm gonna light more kids on fire. I keep smoking. Then he sticks his head back around the corner to make sure I haven't moved like this is some fucked up game of Red Rover where if he catches me he calls Security and I have a meeting with the Dean.

Look kid, I'm sorry I can't control the wind. I'm sorry this isn't a magical fantasy world in which I can just bust a special "Control The Damn Wind" spell out and make the wind go away. Trust me, if I could have I would have stopped the gale force winds Rochester sports year round. Also, I'm another human being there chief. I have emotions, wants, and needs. I'm not some sort of troll. As I said, this isn't a magical land filled with beings you can just chew out with no recourse. At least be polite, that's really all I ask.

Seriously, what has happened to this country? Why is it fine to pick on and bully a select group of people? So what if I'm fat? A lot of people just say "well stop eating, fatty". Ever stop and think that some people are fat for other reasons than your summation that its all they can do not to cram cheesesteaks into their gaping maw? So what if I smoke? I bet you're going to say "Well the second hand smoke you produce is poison". That's false. In a country of such scientific origins, you'd think people would be able to ferret out the bullshit. The study on secondhand smoke was thrown out because it was such a faulty study. They cherry-picked data to fit what they wanted to say. THROWN OUT. A U.S. District Judge THREW OUT THE STUDY because it was faulty. Also, an EPA study of indoor cancer causing particles done in 1991 states that passive tobacco smoke results in 3,000 cancer related deaths per year. Sounds like a lot, right? Compare that to the amount of deaths related to radon leakage in homes which, at it's ceiling, is about 20,000 and at it's base is 5,000. People, tobacco is the least of your worries. Worry about radon because it's almost 6 times more deadly.

Look, it really doesn't bother me if you have a problem with smoking. If someone you know died because of it, I'm sorry. I truly am. If you just don't like the smell, I respect that. But don't think that it's okay to treat me like dirt. I'm a human too. I am exactly like you. Just because I smoke or just because I'm portly doesn't mean you have authority over me. The founding fathers laid down their lives and livelihoods to ensure life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness. But I guess they forgot to add the "P.S. Except smokers and fat people" clause.


  1. Haha, Twenty-five feet? What a joke. Was there something preventing his entitled ass from walking his precious twenty-five feet in the opposite direction? BLAH.

  2. I have a history of confrontation. This used to get me into fights occasionally; in the mid-seventies when I was a long-haired punk, some douchebag in a bar loudly announced that he hated long hair because he couldn't tell if I was "a boy or a girl." I invited him to suck my dick to find out, and we wound up beating the shit out of each other and getting thrown out of the bar.

    Nowadays, most people are sneaky little wormfucks who are terrified of any kind of aggression, so when someone acts like a douchebag it's generally pretty easy to intimidate them. So if someone ever said to me, "Just move because I hate the smell of smoke," I'd blow the smoke in their fucking face and say, "Well I hate the smell of self-righteous little cunts, so I guess we're even."

    P.S. I quit smoking when my daughter was born, twenty one years ago. I still have a smoke now and then, and if you and I ever meet somewhere you go right ahead and light up. Doesn't bother me in the least.

  3. HA! Adam beat me too this.

    It's insane the way the world has started to treat smokers. When I go to a bar I want to smoke. Here in IL we can't do that anymore. The coolest thing about small towns is that they know nobody is watching and will still let you smoke! Good for them.

    It's gotten out of control as of late. Talk about hypocritical fucks. Out of one side they're spewing B.S. about sympathy for the smoker and from the other side of their mouth they tax the shit out of people who are addicted to a product.

    I know, it's the big scary cancer everyone is worried about. Look, if you smoke and don't know that it can kill you if you do it too much for too long then maybe its best if you and your DNA die out. It's right there on the fucking package. If by 18 you can't read the warning and make those decisions for yourself then maybe it's best we go on without you.

    I think the reason people look down on smokers and fat people is because they look at them and say to themselves, "If I was that way, I could and would change it". It's pretty easy to pass judgement on someone in a situation you know NOTHING about.

    As far as the self-righteous twat-waffle you encountered....perfect example of the new uninformed information whore. Reads bullshit online all day for the express purpose of spewing it out on anyone who is unlucky enough to cross his path. Combine that with a subconscious surety that he IS the center of the universe and you've got a recipe for nuclear assholery.