Boutique Bar Show

I love booze shows. There's just something festive and delightful about going to a convention for drinking. From the Whisky Lives I've attended to the Indy Spirits Expo, showcasing different alcohol in a professional setting is something that just tickles my fancy. The Boutique Bar Show Edinburgh was no different. A rather extensive list of pours from not just the UK but from all around the world makes it almost like the Epcot of getting shit-house drunk.

Not far from Edinburgh's Royal Mile (just off of Leith Walk), it was a rather picturesque day, in a cloudy way. There was a nice breeze bustling about as I got off the bus on Prince's street and began my trek to the venue, the Mansfield Traquair. Sometimes I drink on a boat. Sometimes I drink in a convention center. This time...

 I drank in a church. Sacrilicious.

This was not lost on me. The Mansfield Traquair, originally built in 1873 and consecrated in 1876, was a Catholic Apostolic church until the death of the last Apostolic priest in 1958. After changing hands several times, it was purchased by the Edinburgh Council and, eventually, by the Mansfield Traquair Trust. Now I'm going to drink in it. Aside from the obvious, this job has some deliciously ironic perks.

Walking in, the potent blast of high proof spirits and Catholic guilt assails the senses. The walls are coated in murals, the ceiling framed in stained glass. It would be awe-inspiring if I wasn't about to wet my pants in glee over what was on the floor. Three rows, maybe ten booths deep, full of delicious beverages. Baby, I was home and read to take me a little bit of communion.

I'm skipping any more of these fancying words. Time to get down to the nitty gritty. Here's what I tried, in the order I tried it. Hold on tight, kids, it's gonna be a bumpy ride:


Fever Tree: I finally got to try some Fever Tree. I've heard from various bartenders that it's a great product to mix with but it's distribution in the US was pretty limited. I think just as I left Rochester, Wegman's got it on their shelves. Either that or it was there before but so ludicrously expensive thanks to mark-up that my Scottish Senses prohibited me from seeing it. Either or, this stuff is pretty delicious. Their ginger ale was nice, if rather plain. It did have a nice clean and fresh ginger taste to it and it was absolutely crisp and refreshing. They use only sugar in their products so the ginger flavor wasn't absolutely destroyed by HFCS. Their ginger beer was absolutely stunning though. Sweet and bubbly on the forefront, the ginger heat only reared after you swallowed; it was a pleasant warming and spicy feeling. Quite different than the fire-water some ginger beers are. While I wouldn't necessarily recommend it for a Dark and Stormy (you need that gingery aggressiveness for it), it would make a mean Bourbon Highball / Whiskey and Ginger. Their tonic was quite nice as well and would serve as a delicious partner to a lighter floral gin. I think it is too clean and too refined for the heavy juniper bruisers but I may be wrong.

AnCnoc: I was fortunate to try both the 12 and the 16.  The 12 was quite young and fruity tasting with orange peel/marmalade and lemon twist to it. The 16 was much preferred, with a heavy oak, vanilla, and brown sugar clout to it that means it's definitely hibernated in a ex-bourbon barrel for awhile. A touch of dark fruit to it means it was probably blended with some sherry butts as well. I also got to try a AnCnoc-hito which is a riff on a mojito using the AnCnoc 12 year. It was...ok. The sugar syrup, lime, and mint overpowered the spirit a bit too much. The cocktail sought to mask the flavors, not work with them, I think. It was still refreshing though, considering I was thirsty.

J. Wray and Nephews: I got to try a few of the things at their table: the Appleton 8, the Koko Kanu (Jamaican coconut rum) and the Licor 43. The Appleton 8 was pleasant in that pot still-y kind of way, the Koko Kanu wasn't as syrupy sweet as I was assuming it was going to be but the real champion of this table was the Licor 43. It is a predominantly vanilla flavored liqueur with a variety of bittering herbs in it. Only a few know all 43 ingredients in it (hence the name). It is really, really delicious. A very buttery vanilla flavor akin to melted vanilla bean ice cream coupled with the balance of the bittering herbs makes this a delicious drink. If I got a bottle of it, I'd make it into milkshakes or perhaps put it in Sprite. Very good stuff, even for it's almost ludicrous viscosity.

Marblehead: Marblehead is the UK importer for a variety of things but at the show they had Zubrowka and Kraken Rum. Zubrowka is a bison grass flavored vodka that I've heard quite a bit about but it wasn't allowed in the US thanks to the FDA.  It recently broke into the US market after a lot of wrangling but I got to try the actual stuff over here in the far less restrictive Scotland. They had a cool little walk-through for analyzing their spirit:

From left to right it was bison grass extract, plain rye vodka, and the final product. The bison grass extract (which we couldn't drink) was like nothing I'd ever smelled before. It smelled of black tea, granola, vanilla, almond, and cookies. It has this vegetable and baked good smell, almost like someone made zucchini bread with vanilla extract and served it to you with a cup of tea. I wanted to drink it really, really bad but it said not to. The rye was nothing extraordinary: slightly sweet and spicy with a fresh rye loaf and earth flavor. Together though, it made a delicious mix. The Zubrowka had the qualities of both the "neutral" spirit and the extract: it tasted like cut grass, jasmine tea, and vanilla with that scrumptious rye zing. Pretty impressive stuff.

I also got to try the Kraken as well. I say this not because I've never had it (see here) but because the product over here comes in at a different ABV. In the states (as mentioned here) it clocks in at about 43% but the UK import is only 40%. (EDIT: Jesus, it clocks in at 47%. I can't tell what's worse: that I forgot that or my palate has managed to forget a drop of 4% ABV.) For sipping purposes, I think the 40% Kraken works better because, despite my love of cask strength anything, the flavors really are more pronounced. The caramel and black pepper really pops and the cinnamon and cardamom mesh better. But for mixing purposes, stick with the 43%. Either way, everything's gravy, baby.

Babicka Vodka: This may very well have been my favorite product at the show, mainly because it was so damn unique. These days, absinthe is coming back in a big and bad way. With the repeal of the US ban, dozens upon dozens of absinthes are flooding into the market. Some are mass-market offerings which range from poor to good. Then there's the artisan stuff that ranges from okay to "will trade liver for lifetime supply". But everyone (including the FDA) always focuses on one thing: the wormwood. But it's never about the flavor of wormwood, it's always about the supposed effects. Fun fact: hallucinations and shit weren't from wormwood, they were from the copper sulfides and lead based salts used to give fake absinthe the proper color and louching properties. In order to feel anything from thujone, you'd have to drink something like 4x the lethal limit of alcohol.

Here's where Babicka comes in. An extremely simplistic idea: a wormwood vodka. Not playing on the "woo, let's get twisted" avenue of absinthe, they play to the fact that wormwood indeed has a flavor. And this stuff is good. A corn based vodka infused with wormwood, the flavor is almost gin-like. Herbal and sweet (thanks to the corn base), there's notes of orange peel, lemons, a slight welcoming bitterness. It's a great spirit. I want to get a bottle and make martinis with it. 2 oz. of Babicka with dry vermouth and a grapefruit twist would probably blow my shoes straight across the room. I like this stuff and would recommend it. Here's hoping it comes to the US.

Bitter Truth: Yup, you read that right. I got to meet the Bitter Truth guys. I spent an inordinate amount of time pretty much worshiping Stephan Berg, the owner. We chatted about cocktails and he gave me the lo-down on what they're coming out with next. He gave me a taste of the Bitter Truth Elderflower Liqueur, a direct contender to St. Germain (and better). It smacked strongly of honey and elder flower, with this oddly savory/meaty finish to it. Both sweet and slightly sour, it was a pretty fantastic beverage. Definitely a higher quality than St. Germain. He also said that they were coming out with something else but he kept his lips sealed on what it was. I have spent many sleepless nights wondering what it is. He was also pretty interested to hear about the masters program which made me feel pretty good. At least I might be able to get a job somewhere respectable (instead of passed out drunk in a liquor store).

Elements 8: Still flush from their award at the UK Rumfest for their Spiced Rum (best in category), I spent some time chatting with Andreas Redlefsen, the co-founder. I got to try their entire range of St. Lucian rum and we shot the shit about the beverage world while I tasted. Their platinum was extraordinarily fruity for a white rum; almost tasting faintly of Bing cherries. Their Gold had notes of oak and vanilla and, I swear, hints of wasabi. It was no fluke of the palate, I made sure to keep it clean the entire time. It was pretty faint but present. The Spiced was the final one I tried and it was obvious why it won an award. Very strong cinnamon and black pepper with a wallop of clove and molasses. The clove was so strong it actually made the inside of my lips numb. I'll probably be picking up a bottle of it to mix. I want to try it in a Dark and Stormy.

Fentimans: You may never have heard of this stuff despite the fact that it's available in the US. Which is a shame because they produce some of the finest all-sugar beverages in the entire world. When I first came over here 3 years ago, I got a bottle of their ginger beer at the British Library after hours of perusing famous works. I was parched and a ginger beer seemed like just the ticket. What I met was a fiery hell-broth of liquid delicious addiction. It had a potent punch of ginger fire with a deliciously sweet and mellow background. It was the best drink I ever had. Then I tried their bottled shandy. It was even better. So I was absolutely thrilled to see the Fentimans team at the show. But where they showing mixers? Oh no no no. They were showing their newest addition to the line: John Hollows Alcoholic Ginger Beer. Oh heavens it's good. Exactly like the ginger beer I remember from the British library but this time it packs a 4% ABV. An answer to Crabbie's Ginger Beer and it's mysterious ingredient list of dubious natural origins, the John Hollows Superior Alcoholic Ginger Beer is a treat. I will be drinking it regularly, you can count on that. I'm not sure it's even been released yet (I believe the woman I talked to, Amy, said that the packaging had been finalized only a few weeks ago) so it looks like I'll have to wait patiently to buy a few cases and horde it like an apocalypse survivor. Just like what I do with Irn Bru.

Sipsmith: This is actually a fault of mine but I didn't actually try any of the Sipsmith stuff. That would be because I was too busy talking about craft distilling with Sam Galsworthy, co-founder of Sipsmith. It was actually really interesting to hear about the micro-distilling movement in the UK and how it has started to blossom since they got their distilling license. Craft distilling is a personal love of mine (mainly because I like to tinker with recipes and booze). I'm actually doing a paper on the craft distilling movement in the US (which is harder than it sounds thanks to a lack of credible scientific articles) so hearing about the UK branch of it was handy for that. But one of the guys, Bryce, in my program says that they have good stuff so I'll take his word on it until I can get my hands on some.

Amathus Imports: Tried the gamut of spirits here (read: I drank everything on the table). Their tequila was eh but the truly sweet stuff was their stash of genever. In case you've never heard of genever, it's the grandpappy of London Dry Gin. Originating in Holland, it is a malt-based spirit which makes itself apparent in the taste (genever is much sweeter/maltier than London Dry). Also, the usage of pot still distillation left quite a bit of flavor compounds still in it which meant that sweetness (and other flavor compounds) ended up in the distillate as well. This meant that it could have some off flavors and they decided to flavor it with juniper. With the introduction and widespread usage of the column still in England came the birth of the London Dry gin. Since the distillate coming off was so clean (thanks to the column distillation), that malty sweetness was gone and replaced by a more aggressive spice/herbal infusion. They had two genevers at the table: Deooievaar, a 100% rye base genever and A.V. Wees Zuur Oude Genever. The rye genever (not writing that name again) was nice with the traditional rye zest and juniper fragrance but it wasn't what I was looking for in a genever. I thought the rye was a touch too aggressive. The A.V. Wees Zuur Oude was spot on though with a delicious fruity sweetness, some malty flavors, and a pretty low juniper impact which I enjoy. Too much juniper make a little part of me die on the inside.

There ya go, the damage of the night. There's a lot more I have written in my notepad but I'm refraining from using them mainly because I was so drunk my writing was illegible. Despite my state of inebriation, I was able to hold myself to the Bacchanal decorum and hold extremely pleasant and non-offensive conversations with several other reps (sorry, Patron rep). I'd just like to shout out to Ben Mclellan of Inspirit Brands for deciding I was the right person to start doing shots with. I feel kinda bad that I did a shot of Four Roses Single Barrel but it was damn tasty.

Bacchus out.

PS: Have pictures

Boru Vodka - Sunday, Oct. 10th

I'm cutting to the chase on this one: Irish Vodka. You don't really associate the Emerald Isle with vodka, do you? I don't. I associate lush green fields, sheep, pine pitch-like pints of Guinness, Murphy's, and Beamish. Some nice poitin or, even luckier, some nice Irish pot still grain or malt whiskey. Yummers. But I don't think vodka. Which, honestly, is why I was pretty skeptical about Boru Vodka when they sent me a bottle. 

Named after Brian Boru, an Irish king that dissolved the High Kingship of Ireland, which was a politically schemed royal line that ruled Ireland for hundreds of years.  You can find more of the history here. I'll be honest here. I was downright SHOCKED when I found out what it was made of. I immediately assumed that it was made from potatoes. Because that's what we Irishmen like to eat. Seriously, what's an Irish 7 course meal? A six pack and a potato. But it's NOT MADE OF POTATOES! (insert collective gasp here)

It's made of wheat.

Really. An Irish vodka made of wheat.

Yeah, I was flabbergasted too. Made from wheat and proudly announcing it's distilled 5 times, it comes in a clear bottle with an obvious Celtic motif.

Warrior chic.

I'm going to chill this and pour it over Lucky Charms.

And here's one of the whole ensemble. The whole kit-and-kavodka, if you will:

Boru Vodka: 100% Potato Cruelty Free.

Here, have some tasting notes on the house. I tried it both warm (to get a sense of the spirit) and cold (to get a sense of how most people would drink it):

Warm:

Nose is clean and simplistic. Definitely a wheat based spirit; it has a grain sugar smell to it. It smells rich and slightly creamy too, almost like that dairy smell coming off of half-and-half.

Taste isn't bad. Slightly creamy, rather sweet. It ain't a slouch in the alcohol department but for 80 proof it's a bit rocky. It doesn't go down without a coup d'etat in the throat. This bastard wants freedom, damn it. Oppression by the High King of Ireland known as "the Stomach" isn't want it wants. It yearns for the free and open skies, the warm sun, and that cozy little bottle it calls home. Ok, well, maybe it's not as inspired as Brian Boru...but it has it's rough edges about it. After the fire comes a touch of chocolate too.

Warm, it's ok. When I shared some of the bottle with friends, my cameraman went "It's ok". My other friend said "It really cleared out his sinuses" but continued to drink it as we played video games.

Cold:

Nose: It's pretty blank which is to be expected. A slight alcohol tinge and grapefruit. Other than that, a pretty blank palate.


Taste: Chocolate and grass. It's become pretty syrupy too at this point. Thankfully it's smoothed out some since it's been chilled. It fades to a pleasant warming sweetness. The fire on the finish is gone too.

So....summary: Drink it cold. Warm it's a touch roughshod and rambunctious but cold it's a decent vodka. Not particularly stunning but quite serviceable. Also, it's about $18 a bottle (750 mL) which is a fair price for it, if even a bit cheap. I could see this being sold at $20 and people buying it. I still think it should be made out of potatoes though. Maybe I'll make a sweet potato infusion out of what's left to give it some potato-y character. I'd do normal potatoes...but that'd just be down right vile to drink.

Vermont Gold - Monday, Apr. 12th

If you remember my previous foray into the Vermont Spirits line-up, I had a particular unabashed love of the Vermont White and it's creamy goodness in a White Russian. Their other spirit, the maple based Vermont Gold, was a bit harder to quantify in a cocktail setting. I originally tasted it and sat around for about a half hour trying to figure out what cocktail this would fit into. I really couldn't come up with anything other than just neat. To start, here are the notes (and a picture):

Nose is rather delicious. Orange peel and, oddly enough, clotted cream. It's a very rich and buttery smell. Some dark chocolate buried deep in there as well. Sweetness too, but a non-descriptive sweetness. A fascinatingly complex aroma.

The taste is faintly maple like and sweet. Very "rich" taste that I really can't describe in words. It's got a beautiful feeling on the palate and is viscous and oily. Has a taste almost like maple sugar sweetened butter. Buttered caramel is a good way to put it, I suppose.

This is a crazy good vodka and I think I like it even better than the White. It has a delicious butterscotch quality that I find absolutely endearing but not fitting to a cocktail, really. I was thinking something along the lines of some of the Vermont Gold, a touch of agave syrup, and a touch of citrus (orange, perhaps as I think lemon/lime would be too intense and overpower the delicate flavor of the vodka). Shake this first to combine the syrup and vodka, then shake with ice. Pour into an old fashioned glass and top with cream soda. I dunno what to call it or if it would be good but if you can come up with a name, put it in the comments.

Anyway, as for Vermont Gold, it's a thumbs up, highly recommended drink for me. It's what a vodka should be: flavorful.


In other news, I have been conditionally accepted to Heriot-Watt University in their Brewing and Distilling Science Program. So, come next September, In With Bacchus will go international. Provided I can come up with $40,000~ish. But, really, minor details.

Vermont White Vodka

Typically, I don't do a whole lot of vodka, mainly because every single vodka available is pretty much pure ethanol. Not that this is a bad thing (it's a good thing) but I like some flavor with my drinks. The Eastern European countries that traditionally drink vodka (I'm looking at you, Russia) don't drink 40x distilled, 800x filtered vodka made of albino wheat grown in the Himalayas that's cut only with distilled water for additional purity. They drink vodka that's once or twice distilled, three at the most. It's not filtered and it's made from a wide range of tasty raw ingredients. Vodka isn't supposed to be engine degreaser, it's supposed to have flavor! Drink it with some friends while eating pickles, black bread, and smoked fish. Not mindlessly slammed down in coke or tonic endlessly while trying to catch the eye of that blonde on the other end of the bar. Flavor, people, flavor!

One ingredient that I had never seen as a vodka base is maple syrup. I figured: "Hell, they use it to flavor Bashah, the Stone/Brewdog collab beer and that's fantastic. Wonder what else it can do?" Vermont Spirits, distilling in...well...Vermont, makes a vodka that uses fermented maple syrup as a base. This is cool, says I. That probably tastes awesome. My fondest family trip memories were going to Mt. Trembland in Quebec province of Canada. They had this tiny little "sugar shack", or maple syrup manufacturer's shack, that sold maple syrup and maple sugar. One of their most delicious treats was ladling hot and sticky maple syrup onto fresh snow. It cooled into this sticky sweet and slightly buttery maple taffy that you would roll up with a Popsicle stick and eat as you walked. I always ended the day with my face coated in a fine patina of mapley glue that would freeze in the sub-arctic winds of Canada turning my face into the human version of that self-hardening ice-cream fudge. The Vermont Spirits people were kind enough to send me samples of their stuff and I obliged them by sampling them. I tell you this, however, to tell you about their OTHER vodka.

It's made with milk.

Yep. You read that right.

They ferment milk and distill it. Simple as that. Sounds horrible in theory, honestly. In practice...it is a gift from the Bacchus. It is -THE- perfect White Russian vodka. Here are the notes for the neat spirit:

Nose is sweet. It has the standard ethanol burn and sizzle with a clean sweetness to it. The milk base comes through though. You can really tell it's milk. It doesn't have that clean, sterile smell of grain or potato but rather a slight creaminess behind the ethanol.

The taste is amazingly delicious. It is rich and creamy almost like a fresh whole milk. It is exceedingly smooth with a clean alcohol taste. No congeners in this stuff, it's a nice cut. Makes me wonder if the heat denatures some of the milk proteins at all. The finish is long and lasting, almost like an alcoholic milkshake.



The White Russian with this bad boy is a religious experience. With normal vodka, the vodka tends to "water down" the creaminess in some way. The viscosity gets thinner and the fatty richness of the milk is diminished. Not with the White. It cradles that succulent taste and cares and nurtures it. It blossoms with milk added. It has almost an...alcoholic creaminess. It's very good. Mine I made with hazelnut Kahlua which made it like a Nutella Russian. So very good.

Summary: buy it.

Technical EDIT: Vermont Gold is made from maple sap, technically. And Vermont White is made from just milk sugars. Close enough.

Medea Vodka - Monday, Feb. 8th

I like alcohol. This should be apparent. I also like geeky gadgets. It's in my blood. Combine the two and you have a product that could cripple me to levels I've never thought possible. So, when I ran into Medea Vodka while surfing around the interwebs...a little bit of me was afraid of it. Let me explain.



This is a bottle of Medea Vodka. It looks pretty nondescript at first glance. A crystal clear bottle with a blue capped cork and what looks like gold circuitry. I am intrigued. If you look closely the center of the bottle is recessed and has a small electric board put into it, held on by a rubber cap. Ruh roh...When you turn it on, it does this:
IT SCROLLS MESSAGES ACROSS A LED BOARD. SCROLLS MESSAGES. OH HEAVENS, TECHNOLOGY AND LIQUOR.

Ahem.

The LED board is programmable thanks to the buttons on the side of the board. Thanks to the very nice people at the Medea Vodka company who sent me the bottle, it had a personalized message already put into it (the word I took a picture of is the beginning of my name, Scott). Needless to say, this bottle entertains the HELL out of me. On many, many levels. But the more important question you may be asking is 'how's the vodka?'. Well...

The nose shows off the grain well. It has faint hints of wheat, I think. Maybe barley. EDIT: Checked, it's wheat. It has the traditional ethanol-y smell along with a faint crisp sweetness and what I can only describe as an oily-ness.

The taste is pretty good. Sweet and smooth, with no harshness to it at all. A lot of vodka is the equivalent of fire in a bottle but this sips smooth and clean. Mouth-feel is slightly thicker and richer that normal vodkas. It's definitely not filtered and probably minimally distilled. With a richness like this, maybe twice. EDIT: just checked, it's single distilled. SECOND EDIT: Actually a few times.

This is a nice vodka. When I do drink vodka I prefer it unfiltered and minimally distilled as it really brings out an oily richness and some great flavor in the vodka. This stuff ain't bad. It's one of the few that I could see sipping on the rocks. I will say that I've had more flavorful vodkas but overall it's a significantly more viable option over any of the big-name spirits. I saw it in a local store for $40 and I do think that is quite steep even with the novelty of an LED label. If it was $30ish I'd be more inclined to consider it but this may not be Medea's fault.

Pocket Shot - Saturday Nov. 7th

So last up on the review circuit is the Pocket Shot. An intriguing idea adapted to the American market by a man who saw African's buying small plastic pouches of alcohol after a hard day's work. The idea behind the Pocket Shot is a damn near indestructible pouch of 50mL of sweet sweet alcohol, ready and raring to go with you anywhere you want. I got this sample and read all about the packaging in its accompanying brochure. It said, to the effect, that it could probably hold the weight of an average adult human standing on it before it broke. I'm not your average adult male. I'm your average adult fat-ass, but average adult, not so much. So I opted for a more scientific and less humiliating approach. This is the Pocket Shot:


This is a hammer:



Let's put two and two together, shall we? I'll give you a hint. The results? It held up pretty well. I went gentle at first because I didn't want to overstress this thing and watch 50mL of vodka shoot all over my walls. But it held, so I gave it a good whack. I actually hit it so hard it popped off of the counter and slammed into the floor. Needless to say, you're fine. I also tried to stab it with a pencil and my keys and it held against them too, so I think its pocket-safe. But how does it taste?

Into the Glencairn glass (yet again, sorry buddy). Frankly, it smells like rubbing alcohol. Straight up rubbing alcohol. Little bit of grain and a faint wisp of sweetness. I'm drinking it ice cold with a pickle and some black bread, like a good little Russian. It's actually pretty good. Nice and potent, with a grain finish and a slight chocolate taste as well. Warming as it goes down as well. Accordingly, its made in the US and triple distilled. A legit tasty vodka, I will admit. But how does it hold up to...a VODKA TONIC?



Really, really well. It's about a one to one mix here after a few sips I took for a straight tasting. It is quite smooth and barely visible under the tonic water. Would I buy this product? Hell fucking yes I would! I'd kill to try their gin, cognac, and whiskey too but no where around here actually has them. My only problem is they're kinda like the opposites of Weeble-wobbles. You've heard that phrase, right? "Weebles wobble but they don't fall down." These little bastards are the opposite. "Pocket Shots fall down but only sometimes wobble." The bottom could use a bit of a better redesign but the fact of the matter is you're just gonna rip the fucker open and pour it into your body, not take pictures of it like a foreign tourist like I do. So it's kind of a moot point.

The Martini

I love Winston Churchill. Anyone that can make retorts like him while absolutely shitface deserves my respect. The fact that he did it with a cigar in his mouth, a drink in his hand, and typically during official dinners with important guests and envoys...well...he's kinda my hero. I had the opportunity to visit the Churchill Bunker in London and it was a magical event. It did, however, take a significant amount of willpower not to steal his greatcoat, put it on, and steal one of the cigars (yeah, the cigars that he actually smoked, way back in the day) from the display and have a grand old party. They probably would have shot me but what a way to go. There is one thing about Churchill I don't agree with. His recipe for a martini. It goes as such:

Step 1: Pour gin into shaker of ice
Step 2: Stir
Step 3: Pour into chilled martini glass
Step 4: Garnish with olive
Step 5: Look at bottle of vermouth and consume

I love the man with my heart and soul but I gotta disagree. While I DO agree that the wrong combination of gin and vermouth makes a travesty of alcoholic beverage, the proper combination is close to the nectar of the gods. It should be EVERYONE'S goal to find a martini ratio that they enjoy and it should take some research. Deliciously scientific research. I have, finally, come to the recipe that fits me best and I feel its high time to share it with you fine folks. So, here it is:

THE IN WITH BACCHUS GUIDE TO MAKING A MARTINI-

Step 1: Start with quality products. Buying shitting gin and shitty vermouth is not the way you want to go about this. The martini is deceptively simple despite the steps and debate surrounding it and has absolutely nothing to cover up the flaws in the alcohol, so buy decent stuff otherwise it will be like drinking turpentine. I used Martini and Rossi dry white vermouth and Bombay Sapphire gin. I typically use Hendrick's gin for my martinis but I wasn't feeling dropping 30 large on a 750 of gin. This whole setup ran me $20, $21 including premium olives.

Step 2: Start with a Boston shaker filled with clean ice. Clean ice is so goddamn important its not even funny. My ice smelled like French cheese so the martini here isn't so hot. Remember, there's NOTHING TO COVER OFF FLAVORS so get it goddamn right.


Step 3: Use this much gin. I originally did this by just eyeballing amounts into the little cap to the Boston shaker. I -literally- just translated it into an actual amount using a shot glass. It's about 1.25 shots. This is 1.875 oz. Or you could just go with 2oz. and make it college strength.


Step 4: Use this much vermouth. As before, this translates to about a half a shot, or .75 oz. I recommend going to 3/4th of a shot, or 1.125 oz. Like I said, I'm eyeballing this. I know I got it wrong because I remember the taste that I love and this is a touch too dry for me. Yeah, I know. I like a slightly wet martini. Fuck you. James Bond would approve. How many 21 year old guys actually drink proper martinis? Who has two thumbs and drinks martinis? This fucking guy, right here.

Oh! Also. If you use vodka and call it a martini, I will punch you in the throat. It's called a "vodka martini", not a martini. Get it right.

Step 5: Shake vertically three times. Yeah, that's right, shake. As a chemical engineer, all the people that talk about "bruising" a gin piss me off. I will elaborate. When gin is made, there is a direct infusion of essential oils from the botanical stuff straight into the gin. In case you hadn't noticed, ever mix fat and alcohol? They don't go well together. You shake the shit out of it to get an emulsion but eventually it separates out. This same thing happens in gin, you just can't see it. It's chemistry. As they say, "like dissolves like". Polar chemicals (like water), dissolve polar chemicals (like salt). Non-polar items (like fat) dissolve non-polar items (like fat). That's why you can mix butter and oil when you cook and it doesn't look like the parking lot of Wal-mart after a light rain. Thus, the people that say that shaking a gin will "bruise" the gin and mute the botanical essences are full of shit. It's already doing that. But it gets even worse. Remember how a martini is served cold? Even worse! What little dissolution that happens eventually becomes nil because you cool the shit out of the liquid mixture. If you've ever tried to put sugar in cold tea, then you know what I'm talking about. On a molecular level, the essential oils are already going in and out of solution in a steady-state (meaning that no matter how long you wait, the composition won't change). When you chill it, a lot more falls out of solution. I shake because its the best way to get an emulsion between the oils that are coming in and out of solution. Stirring just won't cut it. So if you're intent on only stirring to prevent "bruising"...fuck you. If you just like it stirred then you're cool in my book.

Step 6: Pour into a chilled martini glass. My glass is actually plastic that I soaked in cold-water for about 5 minutes. Yeah, again, fuck you. I'd end up breaking an actual glass one. I'm really clumsy.


Step 7: Insert oil-cured, feta-stuffed olive (on toothpick), into martini.

Step 8: Swirl with toothpick and slide drink down throat.

There you have it, my perfect martini. While it may not be your favorite, I STRONGLY urge you to pick out some quality gin/vermouth and find the ratio that you like. Never, and I repeat, never try ordering a martini in a restaurant after you find your holy ratio. It will never consistently be what you want. This is why you pre-game in your house with friends on good martinis BEFORE going to the bar. But drive safe. Or I will kill you.

Side note: That martini was pretty good. Probably should have eaten something first though.