Tuesday, August 11, 2009

George Thorogood or How I Stopped Caring and Learned to Drink Like A Man

So, I've been thinking.

This, for future reference, is a statement that's NEVER followed by something intelligent nor well thought out. This phrase is my catch-all for the proverbial "let's see what happens", usually followed by a lengthy description of some hare-brained idea, closed with the convincing utterance of "doing it for science". I've done a lot for science and science has NEVER benefited from anything I've done. Well, maybe making Listerine bottles explode and ridding the world of hornet's nests, one clusterfuck of black powder at a time, but, hell, anyone can do that. Heh, that hornet's nest never knew what hit it though.

Regardless, I've been thinking. And, namely, listening to music. The topic of today's discussion is George Thorogood and his influence on my alcohol consumption. He is not just a god of drunken debauchery and cigar smoking at a gas station ladies and gentlemen. He is also a damn fine performer. I'd know. I saw him in concert. Sober. Yeah, he was good sober. I said it. His crowning claim to fame may very well be Bad To The Bone, but One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer will always be my favorite. While borrowing heavily from John Lee Hooker's One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer and House-Rent Blues (can't find it), his increased tempo and drunken slurring through the song make it something more than the older, bluesy feel that Hooker put on it. Hooker gave it life and Thorogood gives it this beautiful, drunken, bottom-of-a-bottle polish. However, I digress.

I find myself lately wanting to create a drink to honor Thorogood. While I cannot make any drink as profoundly honorable for the late, great Hooker or any of the blues legends (*cough*MuddyWatersBlindLemonJeffersonHowlinWolfRobertJohnson*cough*) as the age old bourbon and slide guitar combo, I feel that Thorogood needs something significantly more...alcoholic. My friend and I have toyed with an extremely liver punishing marathon of intense binge drinking known as the Thorogood Challenge. While not as taxing as the Bruce Springsteen Liver Donor Challenge, it ranks up there. The main idea is to do a shot of bourbon and scotch, and a glass of beer every time he mentions them in the song. This equates to about 9 shots in 8 minutes, with the majority of it being crammed into the 4 minute section that follows his House Rent Blues preface. So its essentially 9 shots in 4 minutes. This also assumes that its just ONE shot, even though Thorogood specifically goes for a "triple" and even throws in a gin for good luck. Or liver failure. So, if we go through the fact that each "shot" is actually three, coupled with a pint of beer, we're looking at 21 shots in 4 minutes or 24 with that triple of a gin-soaked cherry to top off this liver bruising sundae. Ouch. Just thinking about this is giving me the dry heaves.

So, how to properly honor this legendary frank and open alcoholic? I propose The Thorogood. Now, let's face it. You have no rent money, you're friend's old lady won't let you stay at their house, and you're packing a box full of your shit and a sober look on life. You're not going for a fine Glencairn glass of Glenlivet 21 at a soft jazz bar. You go for the cheap stuff, in large quantities, and hopefully served fast enough that you don't have time to pass out before the next drink comes. So The Thorogood should be appropriately scaled. I'm thinking this should be the recipe:

1 can Pabst Blue Ribbon
1 shot Cutty Sark blended scotch
1 shot Jim Beam White Label

Now, for a hardcore alcoholic, this pansy shit of "half of a shot of this, half of a shot of that" is bullshit. Its easier for the bartender to pour two shots and there's more alcohol. The construction of said drink is easy. Pour the two shots of liquor into the Pabst Blue Ribbon and chug/drain at your leisure. This will probably taste godawful, but if you don't get wrecked after a few of these gut-wrenching booze bombs, then you're either Russian, Irish, or not trying hard enough. The alcohol chosen is relatively tasty, a decent proof, and decidedly working-class and, subsequently, awesome. For a cheap beer, PBR is probably my favorite, even though the scene kids that drink it make me want to punch their mothers in the face for birthing such a travesty. White Label is my bourbon of choice when the week has just sucked and a "low cash Friday" rolls around. And Cutty Sark is decent although an acceptable exchange could be J&W Blended and maybe Johnnie Walker Red. But yeah, I think I'll have to try this at some point during the week. Mmm, punishing myself never tasted so good.

No comments:

Post a Comment